10 WAYS SHOWET SEX CHANGES AFTER MARRIAGE
1. You are infinitely worried that the other person is going to slip and die, and that you’ll feel responsible and have to live with yourself afterward. Worrying about someone falling and killing themselves packs way more of a power punch after you’ve said “’til death do us part.
2. You’re not ashamed to be like, “Dude, you’re hogging the water.” Because nothing is worse than shivering from only being half under the water. He won’t judge you. He’s legally bound to you. Now, he needs to move.
3. Somehow, you still haven’t figured out the best position for shower sex. Shower sex is one of those things that’s a lot better in theory than it is in practice, no matter how good your on-land sex is. You also don’t feel like total failures at life and sex because you’re not shower acrobats.
4. It’s often punctuated with an actual shower. It’s because you’re being efficient!
5. When it gets awkward … it’s a lot less awkward. You feel fine saying how uncomfortable you are. He’s not going to try to pull off that pick-you-up-in-the-shower-porn-move (because fear of slipping and dying, remember?). And to that end, gone are the days of trying to show off the power of your core/how good you are at standing sex on one leg. It’s way easier lying down.
6. You admit when you get soap in your mouth mid-shower blow job. And life goes on.
7. Mid-foreplay, one of you says something like, “Wouldn’t it be nice if we had a really big house with a ledge on the shower specifically designated for fucking?” Because when you’re married, what is sexier than dreaming about the real estate that you’ll own someday?!?!
8. You’re really impressed by how easy it is to clean up afterward. This, somehow, never gets old, when it should be fairly obvious. And then you often say, “We should have shower sex more often considering how easy this is…”
9. And yet, most of the time, you end up just taking a sexy shower … and having sex somewhere else. Like the bed. And now you’re clean! The best part of shower sex when you’re married is that it’s NBD when it doesn’t happen.
10. And then you end up resolving that you’ll have way more shower sex when you have a different shower. Maybe like a nice shower in a bathroom on Fixer-Upper? Things you probably avoid talking about with someone with whom you’re just dating: home renovations and owning property!